Who says you have to set it free if you love it?

I've somehow always associated "pride" with someone who's full of themselves. This is the pride that qualifies as a deadly sin.
HOWEVER,
There is another form of pride. The sort of pride that makes a person refuse help when things are going bad. The sort of pride that insists on doing things alone. It is this form of pride that made for a rough couple of weeks.

Surely none of us are strangers to financial dire straights. We've all been poor from time to time. Jim and I are no exception. Jim's financial situation has been looking exceptionally grim. He worries about being able to provide for me. And he also worries about being an anchor, keeping me from happiness. Of course, this couldn't be further from the truth. But-- because of this, Jim encouraged me to look for someone else. He insisted that I spend some time honestly thinking about us. I said I have. And his response was essentially that I haven't truly thought about it because I still want to be with him. He argued that his inadequacies were cold, hard realities, not just something he was seeing from a perspective colored by his low self-esteem.
If you love something, set it free.
But I didn't want to buy into that. I'm thinking: Hell, we madly and deeply love each other. He makes me tremendously happy. I make him happy, right? So why the hell should we have to part ways? Because he thinks I'd be better off without him. I begged to differ. He insisted. Tears were shed. Then he said we'd ween ourselves off each other. "This [our relationship] didn't start overnight, and I don't want it to end overnight."

It's been a dark couple of weeks. But unless I miss my guess, there's some light peeking out there on that horizon. There's this inevitable pull. Last night we even went on a real live date to the drive-up A&W. Laughing & joking as though nothing had changed. Maybe it was just a 'rough spot' and we'll be okay after all. I try not to think about it too much cuz it just makes me worry more. I try to focus on now. And how good things feel between us right now compared to all the sadness last week.

Besides... I need some happiness to keep me from stewing about Milo's cancer. Took the old marmalade puss to the vet to have the lump between his shoulder blades checked out. He now has a lump on his chest as well. Poor guy. 13yrs old, he is. I guess I can't say he hasn't had a full life. And he's still getting along okay... he doesn't climb stairs quite like he used to... He's having a harder time bending forward to get a drink.... but the old boy still purrs, bless his heart. And he's still got that "Milo Charm". And as long as I don't think about him losing that charm, or think about how I'll someday have to put him down, I'm okay.

Can't let myself worry too much. Can't stew. Gotta go for the sunlight just over that horizon. It's coming. It's going to shine on me. It's going to warm my bones and make me feel like dancing. Or something.

In-House Casual Day

I ended up with an entire weekend off from work. But that doesn't give me a liscense to loaf. No sir! This is even more time to achieve that 25,000 word goal I set for myself. As I'm writing this novel I'm realizing I'll need to go back and make some revisions, but I'm thinking I should try to just finish it first & actually have a "Rough Draft" to work with.

My brother got in about quarter to 7 from his Birthday outing. Happy 30th, brother. Naturally this woke Chico up. And y'know... I coulda just released the boy from my room to harass brother, but I look at the clock and figure what the hell. I did get to sleep in almost 2 hours. And I'm awake now.

So I've grabbed my writing mug and am preparing to set to work. Because writer's write.
I'm a writer.

But you can't run the well dry. And it's looking like it might be an exceptionally beautiful day. Jim spoke of a bike ride. It's been a long, cold winter. It'd be good to get out on the bike again.
I wonder if he'll ask me where I want to go....

That's just sick.

I tell you what-- That cold medicine clears you up, but boy does it knock you on your ass. There's about 3 pages of a book I don't remember reading and a phone call I don't remember missing. I checked the caller ID and it's mum. Bet my sister got it.

Jim got the cold first, and all last week we were only pecking each other on the cheeks. I wanted to kiss him on the lips but he didn't want me to catch his cold.--
"If it was you that had the cold," he said, "I wouldn't kiss you either."

So far for me it's only been a runny nose. No coughing, no sore throat. Maybe that's cuz it's early yet. The cold tablets are supposed to head it off at the pass. Like I said, I can breathe through my nose, but I feel super woozy. I just hope Jim doesn't impose a quaranteen. --When he heard me sniffling he became worried that we'd be passing this thing back and forth between us and never be rid of it. I can understand the logic there, really. But I hate being alone when I'm sick.

How's that go? Starve a cold, feed a flu?
ANYway
I should just score myself some oranges and chicken soup.

If I were a carpenter, my thumb would be stuck in a dove-tail joint

I've never claimed to know everything. As a matter of fact, I often claim the exact opposite. This is clearly obstructing my view of success. No one should ever claim to know everything. But no one can honestly say they know nothing, either. We all know something. Some know a little more than others. And while one might know a lot about one thing, they might know absolutely nothing about something else. By the same token, what this person doesn't know might be something someone else knows. We've all got our areas of specialization.

I was telling Jim about my plan of attack to get my internship and finish school finally. "Then you'll have you're degree and then you'll be smarter than me."
Well, this brings us back to the convoluted opener to this post: While I may know many things about English, writing, and Literature that he doesn't, at the same time he knows many things about living in the wilderness in harmony with nature. I might be able to spot a plot device in one of his beloved Steven Seagal movies, but he knows what plant to pluck a leaf from to cure a bug bite. And really, doesn't his sound more practical? (I'm not sure, becuz some people will just tell you to buy some OFF!)

Nuts... I really need to cut back on my caffeine intake. It's leaving me with a sour stomach and the inability to make sense. (And here I thought it'd get me wired enough for a marathon writing session)

I Deserve a Degree!!

Okay. I got an offer I couldn't refuse. My father has offered to help me pay for the credits on my internship so I can graduate. Yipee, right? To be honest, I was scared. That whole "Shit's coming to a close and what if I'm not up for the challenge" type fear.
I have a really strong fear of failure. Which I've never acknowledged before because I always assumed fear of failure was associated with anal retentive perfectionists. In my case, my procastination comes from one idea: If I don't try, I can't fail. HOWEVER, I'm learning the flip side of this cookie. If I don't try, I can't succeed, either.
My mother sent me a link to an available internship in custom publishing. I need to take it over to the English dept. to get it ok'd and what not. I was supposed to do this Friday. But I forgot. I had this idea that I didn't deserve a degree. That I'm not smart enough for a degree. And therefore shoved it to the back of my brain. Maybe I'd get to it later. And then forgot it altogether.
Jim couldn't believe I didn't go for it. He argued that I was smart and said: "You gotta have more faith in yourself, woman!" He said if I'd told him about it Friday morning, he would've put a size 9 1/2 boot in my ass and made sure I got over to the English dept.
It's just like the first time I had to go into 1st National to pay my rent. I wanted Jim to come in with me. He assured me I was a big girl and could handle it myself. And I did. And I was afraid to go to the new Student Center, scared that I'd get lost, and then when I finally went down there I did it. And I didn't get lost. This is the same thing. I'm scared I'll screw it up, fail, and therefore don't want to attempt it. When in fact, if I just grab the bull by the huevos and do it, I'll probably pull it off just fine. And then I'll have that god-forsaken degree. I put in 8 yrs on that thing. I guess I should be anxious to get it. It may well be one of the proudest days of my life when I pick up that thing. My brother & I will be the only college graduates in our family.
It can be done. I am smart enough. I just need to be the woman Jim says I am, take charge, and have the courage to see this thing through.
Yeah.