Into the West

Jim's got the TBS mini-series on DVD and we were watching it together today. It made me long for Rendezvous, which won't be for another 7 months. Bugger.
It also made me think about Pocket Watch, and other such 'period' pieces I was going to write. I was going to have so much fun writing them. I just needed to keep myself in that 'mood'. Much like I've endeavored to keep myself in the appropriate mood for writing Aztec by watching scary movies. And the mood for Lunatic Lounge that was inspired by Twin Peaks, but had become more like Pulp Fiction.

So I'm thinking about another 'Freemont' story. But try to incorporate more action in with the introspections. Perhaps a love story of sorts. Maybe Freemont falls in love with an Iroquois woman. Or, as is often the case, he gets placed in a predicament where he 'receives' a woman as a 'gift'. I realize this might gather a boo & hiss from feminists, but my writing was never about appeasing everyone's sensitivities. It's about being realistic. And that shit really did happen back then. As a woman, I might be given some lee-way or whatever. But if I were a man writing it, I could imagine the hounds being on my heels snapping and snarling.

I remember seeing a scholarship posted in the English department a couple years back and was interested in it. But when I read on further and found that it was for minorities, I just shrugged, sighed and said "oh well" and forgot about it. I told someone about it a few days later and they told me that I am a minority. What? Well you're a woman, aren't you? It had never occured to me that I was considered part of a minority. I still don't consider myself a minority. Just a human being, same as anybody else.
Unlike some women, I don't want superiority. Just a fair shot same as anyone else. I don't want special treatment just because I'm a woman. I do appreciate it when Jim holds the door for me. There are women out there, I know, that get pissy if you did that for them.("I can get my own door, thank you very much!") I think it's a sweet gesture, myself. I don't expect it, or ask for it--But I don't get mad at Jim when he does it, either. All I ask is that a man not assume I've got oatmeal above the eyebrows just cuz I'm a woman.
And this baloney about women wanting in on "male dominated" occupations only because it's male dominated, not because they actually want the job. Like the Ethel Merman song: "Anything you can do I can do better." And wanting preferential treatment just because they're a minority. It's gone too far. I'm all for being treated equal. In the beginning, that's what we were fighting for. But for some women it wasn't enough.
A friend of Jim's had said it best--
He was being interviewed for a counseling job and the interviewer asked him: "And how do you deal with color?"
His answer: "I don't deal with color. I deal with human beings."

Res Ipsa Loquitor

Christmas has come and gone.
New Year's is pending, but I have no idea how I'll be spending it. Mostly because I never worried too much about it. I realize the holiday is made for drinking(See also St. Patrick's Day)-- But I'm not a drinker. Besides, it never held much meaning for me. To me, it's been a totally contrived holiday based on an arbitrary decision regarding when the year should stop and start. Time is continuous. These minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years are our attempts to pigeon-hole it.
"12 months go by- hello! hello! hello! hello! - Of their own accord. And behold-- Another year begins!"

Maybe I'm thinking too much. Or maybe not enough. But I've reached a point in my life where I don't want to be celebrating a holiday "just because". If I celebrate, it needs to have a reason. Otherwise my heart's just not in it. And lip-service is sometimes worse than just turning it down all togther. So says the aspiring writer about her crisis of faith/spirituality. In her on-going search to be 'a good woman', she finds herself going the way of Ben Horne after his 'Dixieland Epiphany'.

But this 'aspiring' writer will someday be a 'celebrated author'... But not if I don't finish the Manuscript. D'oh!

Apox on Christmas

I wonder if I used that word right. Or is it two words? -- A Pox? or Apox? Should there be an extra "x"? Apoxx? Looks like the name of a Comic Book villian.

I've got the Christmas Shopping done. Jim asked me what I wanted for Christmas.
"Wait a minute! I thought you'd said we weren't going to buy presents for each other this year."
He wants to get me something. Then I'll feel bad cuz I haven't gotten him anything. But he argues that there were things that I'd bought for him earlier in the year that were Christmas gifts. I said I'd gotten them for him because I wanted to. I only called them Christmas presents so he wouldn't insist on paying me back for them. Jim argues that I've bought him so much. He wants to give me something. I tell him having that morning together was Christmas present enough for me.
"No," he argued, "I want to give you something physical. Tangible."

The folks are having Christmas tomorrow morning. Jim's off this afternoon for his 'Family Christmas To-Do'. As bleak are things are, I suppose the fact that it's Christmas alone should be a good band-aid until we're together again. You don't need money to have a good Christmas. But you do need togetherness. Family's supposed to be important this time of year. But my family's exceptionally dysfunctional.(I know, "isn't everyones?") It just makes my teeth itch sometimes.

Christmas time is a good time for writing horror stories, eh? I need to get back to work.(If I had a nickle everytime I gave myself an encouragement to write...)

Happy Christmas Everyone!

Cold Enough For Ya?

Well, the good news is my revisions for Lunatic Lounge have been rescued. I have to go back through it and fix the paragraph breaks, spacing, and other such things, but this will be a walk in the park compared to trying to do it all over again.

I have many projects to tend to. And not just in writing. Some have deadlines(the blanket I'm crocheting for my Mother's Christmas present and the scarf I'm knitting for my sister) Others I'd just like to see finished 'soon'. I'm working on a scarf for myself, which I'd like to get finished before winter's over so it can serve it's purpose. There was a sweater I was going to try for Jim's Christmas present, but I've never tried anything as ambitious as a sweater and I'd like to do a 'test run' before commiting to the final project. Plus, Jim had specifically requested no Christmas presents this year as he feels we're both two poor to be spending any money on presents. (Although the sweater would be made, not purchased)
It occured to me as I was watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets the other night that I might be able to make a Griffindor Scarf. I've got burgundy and yellow ochre. Or I could go shopping if I wanted to find yarn closer to Griffindor's colors.

All knitting aside,
I also have a number of novels to finish. I've got to stop butterflying around.(Start one, get distracted and start a different one) Just choose a story and stick to it.

The painting has kind of fallen by the roadside so to speak. But it's not been lost all together. Since none of it's deadline-related(lest I wanted to do one for a Christmas present) it's no biggie and I'll get to it when the inspiration's right.

We had ourselves a good, solid snowstorm. Like living in a snowglobe. I just wish whoever's shaking us would stop it. I dig snow as much as the next cat, but my Jimmy's out there on the road and I need to know he's safe. He'll be back Sunday. I forgot to ask him if he got any pictures of his new grandson. I'm sure he has.

So I have much to do today. And I can either keep searching for my cookie cutters or say "Fuckit, I tried" and get some new ones.

Oh, and it's looking like the 31st won't be a holiday and I'll be required to work. This will make the church social connundrum a moot point. I was fully prepared to go(it's not so awful that I couldn't manage a couple three hours there) --BUT when given the choice of either sitting there, bored out of my skull and taking an attendance penalty or maintaining my attendance record and getting PAID. I'll take work, thank you.

Make Something Up

Well, it's gotten to be that time of year for our family. My grandmother on my Dad's side is having a big Catholic Christmas To-Do at her church & "she'd really like to see you guys there." To which I answer: "Horseshit."
It's not because she cares about us as individuals. She just wants a good head-count when she tallies up all her relations, feeling quite pleased with herself because she was able to cram us all into a church. She'll get on God's good-side for sure with that one.
I told my sister I could say I couldn't go because I'm Buddhist. But that would be a cheap thing to do. Wouldn't it? Somehow it just feels like it is. What if I were to say I no longer celebrate Christmas?(I've been thinking on that one already, so if I decide to, it won't be just to get out of this church social.)
I could lie. Make something up--Say I got called away to work and couldn't make it.(Despite having that day off as a paid holiday) I don't know. If I went it would be for Dad.(So he wouldn't get grilled-- "Where's the kids?") Jim agrees on that one.(Going for Dad) It's not like they're mean to me or anything. Mildly patronizing with faux concern-- But not necessarily mean. So just tolerate the plastic environment, put a congenial smile on and consider it an exercise in patience & tolerance. Something like that.

But this isn't getting my book written.
Back to work!

SERENITY NOW!!

These days, I'm looking for serenity in the form of Buddhism. Mahayana Buddhism. Zen. I've been re-reading Shunryu Suzuki's Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. It's taught me a lot about accepting flaws, stop stewing, and the right way to remember things. That you should remember an event just as it was, leaving out any biases that occur when you hang on to the emotions that went with it. This is where Proud Old Men come from who talk about nothing but the "Glory Days".
I also learned that if you're too idealistic you'll go nuts and kill yourself. The gap between your ideals and what's actually possible is wider than any bridge, which will frustrate you to the point of extreme forfieture. When I told Jim about this idea, he told me how Native Americans will leave a minor flaw in something their making(clothes, bags, etc.) as a reminder that nothing's perfect. This reminded me of the medicine bag he made me- there's beads along the ends of all the fringes save one. This makes the medicine bag that much more important to me.
So I'm in search of serenity, but I'm not doing a very good job. Sure, I'm reading the texts, but I still haven't stopped for a serious zazen. I tried sitting once and it wasn't even a minute before I turned to play with the dog who'd been watching me so inquisitively while I sat. He even licked my ears. =^.^=
I need to continue and either hope my dog catches on & lets me zazen in peace, or I'll have to shut him out of my room. Anyway, that's how I plan on getting my Serenity Now. To me, it seems a lot more helpful than what Frank Castanza was doing. Speaking of Frank Costanza-- Festivus is coming! December 23rd. Mark your calendars!


I really don't know about Christmas anymore. Part of me wants to say I'm not of that religion & I celebrate it only as lip-service. Y'know- to score presents. Maybe I'm thinking about not celebrating Christmas so I can get out of buying presents.
I think it requires a re-evaluation. If I celebrate Christmas, what would be my reasons? I'd said before that I saw it as a day of peace. A chance to kick back and not be under any pressure to get a million things done before the sun sets. But Jim enlightened me once about 'treats' and 'rewards'. He said, if I'm going to wait until I've done something good before treating myself I may as well go back to the card table. Like Dale Cooper had said: Every day, give yourself a present. Don't plan for it, just let it happen. Whether it be a new shirt, a nap in your favorite chair, or a nice hot cup of black coffee. I can have my day of peace any time I want. And more than once a year if I want to. Maybe I'll invent my own holiday. It'll definatel be a lot calmer than Festivus, though. I can guarantee it.

Peace.