We could be Heroes?

Just for one day.

The weather is finally turning into something good. My window's open, letting in the evening breeze as well as the sound of lawn mowers and the scent of freshly mown grass. My brother complaining about how often he's had to mow the yard.

For a long time I didn't think it was possible to O.D. on Junior Mints. I was clearly mistaken. The sugar has left me with a sensation I can only describe as just feeling "blarg". Anyone who's ever O.D.'ed on sugar knows this feeling. Add to this the excessive zing of mint hanging in the mouth like a crystalized cloud.

But I've made up my mind I'm going to write this evening. Yes. Why the hell not? I'm remembering the 'groove' I was in when working on Lunatic Lounge. I was in the proverbial zone and worked on it daily. It was floating in my mind at any given moment. This humming and buzzing microcosm. Characters waiting to have their fate revealed to them when I was good and ready to reveal it to them. I want to get back into that 'zone' with the new novel. And I will. Yeah buddy!

Oh that beautiful internet

I must thank N for suggesting Geocities. The site is up, but there's really nothing there at the moment. Gonna have to take some pictures of what completed paintings I have. And I'm thinking I really should frame them. They may look/sell better that way.

http://www.geocities.com/oceanmachine77/home.html


But ANYway... I want to keep this serious. Be for real about selling my art. Just like I need to be for real about selling my stories. I scolded myself sufficiently for pussyfooting around with 'final touches' and just put two stories in the mail this morning- Yay me!

Who says creative people can't turn a buck? I'm gonna give it my best shot at least.

That cigarette you're smoking nearly scared me half to death

Mama told me not to come. But did I listen? Oh no. I'm a Reebel. Such a reeble I don't even spell it right.

You know, microwave burritos and microwave egg rolls are mighty handy. Not to mention Easy Cheese. But I think burritos & egg rolls might be quicker. They only take 1-2 minutes & you don't have stir to cheese into them.

Y'know, if I thought I could do it, I'd set up a website for my artwork and sell them via the internet. I thought about ebay-ing my pieces, but they charge for the service itself. If I can find free web space to showcase my paintings.... hmmm... (The little hamster inside her head runs on its wheel with great determination) I'll figure something out, I'm sure. What're some favored subjects? Flowers, I'm sure. Landscapes.(Which I haven't really ever done) And those 'cute' pictures that feature a little girl with a baby animal or something.
I'm still practicing portrature & figure work. But I can paint flowers.
Maybe give birds a try. Or I could take up clown painting.

I look for a lovely weekend tempurature-wise, but I am still shackled to work. I know, I know, I shouldn't complain. Some people work weekdays. Poor things.

I got some pot stickers the other day. Boy oh boy! I've seriously been missing out! They's taystee!

Alright.. I'm losing focus..

Like a Steel Trap Rusted Open

Back when I wasn't going to make a living at writing, you couldn't keep me from it. I was all over that shit. write write write. Of course, about all of it was whiny poetry. I suppose some of that could be revised and given some value. but ANYway. I digress. (Digress is such a great word.)
Now that I've consciously chosen writing as my career, I get so many bouts of uninspired Blah. Like a desert. Try to catch the tumbleweed as it rolls by. Might have an idea in it.

My recent hook is drawing and painting. It's not a conscious career choice and it won't make me a millionare(unless I become one of those mad crazy artiste's who can sign a urinal and call it art)... and I can't stay away from it. The hooks in my brain grabbed it. And it looks like it'll be here with us for quite a while.

I mean, I've always been artistic in one way or the other. I've always been fond of the painting game. I enjoy it. It relaxes me. It's just that it hasn't had center stage in my mind like it used to. I've seen some of the abandoned pieces over at the Art Building.(paintings students left behind) It's hard to describe how that bug works. But it gets into you and makes you want to do things. Create things.

The days look towards getting warmer I think.(I hope) Spring semester's done and we're in Summer Break here at Camp Spanky. It's quiet for the most part. Even the food court at the Student Center is slacking some.(Not opening until 11:00)-- That was dissapointing really. I was getting all excited about a psuedo-egg Mc Muffin. Went down once at 7:30.. saw that the bookstore didn't open until 8. and the food court was closed. I return at 8. Food court's still closed. I ask the girl behind the reverse-pharmacutical high counter(she was sitting much shorter than the counter) and she tells me the food court doesn't open until 11. WHAT? That was such a downer. I was looking forward to that egg-a-Mooby Muffin. Stinks. Especially since I was looking forward to it. If I wasn't looking forward to it, I wouldn't've cared. (This goes without saying, I'm sure) I'm quick. Just call me Nestle.

The Bastards Found Me!

I got a thing for my 10 year class reuinion. ugh. $20.00 a head to go to Timbers for cocktails & hour d'ourves. And they included some crazy 'survey' that asks if I have a significant other and/or kids. What my favorite High School memory was and what my favorite post-High School memory was. HUH?? Bleh. For $20? No sir. Not unless I had some really good shit to rub their noses in. Like say, fame and fortune for starters.

Really, I have my mother to thank. They sent the shit to her and she was more than eager to forward it to me. Crazy Cool, non? I think not.
I really don't see myself getting my panties in that much of a bind-- Paying $20.00 so that I can go there and feel awkward and have inner monologues about how petty and irritating I find most of those people. Look at her, she really thinks she's something else, but she doesn't know shit about anything. Look at her with her husband and 3.5 kids. Bet she thinks she's got it made. But lemme tell ya, that baby fat does nothing for her.. etc.... . . . .
And that's just mean. And not very Buddhist. So I'm going to avoid the situation altogether.

Harnessing Zen Moments

I'm currently reading Thich Nhat Hanh's Being Peace and I'm learning some interesting things. He stresses the importance of understanding as a key to compassion. Which sounds like a gimme, really. But sometimes it's too easy to forget to actually put this into practice.

When I was just beginning to get into Buddhism I was still into pushing away my anger, blacking it out, and otherwise banishing it from my mind. This was shortly after my heated break-up with numb nuts. He made me so mad. I needed a way to deal with it.
But in Hanh's book, he stresses that anger can't be banished or pushed away. It's a part of us and must be recognized as such. He says it's impossible to just be angry. There has to be something you're angry about. You need to discern what it is and disect the anger to find out where it's coming from. What is it about this person or situation that makes you angry? Could there be a reason for this? The clerk at the grocery store isn't rude for the sake of being rude. She's probably just had a rough day. So instead of being mad at how she handles your groceries, you offer a smile in hopes that she can have something pleasant come of her otherwise rough day.

I haven't finished the book, but so far I haven't seen anything on fears or spiders.
Seriously, though... I've read all sorts of Buddhist literature and it's mostly about coping with anger, impatience, jealousy and contempt. I don't remember fear being covered. But it's been a long time since I've read this stuff. And there's more books I have that I just never got 'round to reading. (I'm a bad Buddhist. But then was I ever certain that I was a card-carrying Buddhist? The philosophy of the religion appealed to me. And here I am.)

I can remeber a couple three occasions where I'd be flustered/freaked out/upset/sad-- To the point of tears. Jim urged me to take deep breaths until I'd stopped crying. Then he said: "Do that Buddha thing you do, calm down, and get some rest."
That Buddha thing I do.
Been a long time since I've meditated. I'm hoping my return to Buddhism will help curb my penchant for worrying.

Peace.

The Hoax has Been Busted

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=816&e=1&u=/ap/20050514/ap_on_re_us/wendy_s_finger

The woman who found the finger in her Wendy's food? Aparently her husband's friend planted the finger. And this isn't the first time she's been out to get Wendy's. She's filed like 14 complaints against Wendy's. Looking for big bucks & settlements, I'm sure. Or maybe she's got a hard-on for Wendy's and is looking to shut them down.

At least we know the finger didn't come from the woman who got her finger bit off by a jaguar.

Knock on wood and get out your rabbit feet

Actually, nothing truly unfortunate happened today. I got to wake up this morning next to the man I love. That's a nice feeling in itself.
When I returned home, I thought I would do some painting. But it was such a mess I just had to do some cleaning & organizing. Once I started, I couldn't stop. So that's pretty much where my day went. But when I feel inspired to paint again, it'll be ready.
Chico the Wonder Pup was unusually quiet today. He looked so pooped, yet he hadn't done anything. You'd think he was part cat, he took so many naps. I lost sight of him after I gave him a little milk bone biscuit, so only God and Chico know where he buried it. I do know that he likes to bury them in my room so that he might have himself a midnight snack later.

I'm so happy to hear about Noelle's victories over the centipedes. I need the same courage when it comes to spiders. Then I get to thinking about the 'Zen Moment' I had dealing with a cockroach a few years ago. It was when I still had rats. And I was heavily into Buddhism at the time. There was a cockroach in Jeffery's cage. I very patiently scooped it out with a plastic cup and tossed the roach into the backyard. I can't quiet pin-point what went on in my mind that day, other than it was a sort of 'Zen Moment'. Like I said, I was heavily into Buddhism at the time. I've got so much literature on Buddhism. It was going to be my path to peace of mind. But I got lazy and wandered off the path. Maybe harnessing 'Zen Moments' can help me over come my fears.

Big Brother is here.

Taken from www.100monkeystyping.com/wlog

"What's all the fuss with the Real ID Act about? President Bush is expected to
sign an $82 billion military spending bill soon that will, in part, create electronically readable, federally approved ID cards for Americans. The House of Representatives overwhelmingly approved the package--which includes the Real ID Act--on Thursday.
What does that mean for me? Starting three years from now, if you live or work in the United States, you'll need a federally approved ID card to travel on an airplane, open a bank account, collect Social Security payments, or take advantage of nearly any government service. Practically speaking, your driver's license likely will have to be reissued to meet federal standards."

From CNet News:

"What's going to be stored on this ID card?At a minimum: name, birth date,
sex, ID number, a digital photograph, address, and a "common machine-readable
technology" that Homeland Security will decide on. The card must also sport "physical security features designed to prevent tampering, counterfeiting, or duplication of the document for fraudulent purposes." Homeland Security is permitted to add additional requirements--such as a fingerprint or retinal scan--on top of those. We won't know for a while what these additional requirements will be."

Big Brother has been with us for a while now, but its methods are becoming more and more invasive. They're saying it will "curtail the future abuse of drivers' licenses by terrorist organizations", but we know better. It's like the Dark Side of technology. In and of itself, technology is a wonderful thing-- But what it's being used for is something entirely different. It's like Star Trek gone Nazi.

George Orwell was a genius. He may have had the year wrong, but 1984 was eerily accurate.

If I Could Store Time in a Bottle

Jim Croce, where are you now? Such idle musings that make us remember the old classic: "Wish in one hand, shit in the other. See which one fills up first." My money's on the shit.

Time can seem elastic. Time can also be cruel. There's no looking back.
"Time is a straight Plantation" -- Jim Morrison
So what we do with our time determines what kind of vegetation will spring forth.

I'm thinking about making a pot of Jambalaya. Spice it up just right. It'll be good medicine. It's so dark and damp outside. Then- If I know what's good for me, I'll sit down with a Red Bull and work on the novel.
Jambalaya. I can't help but think of Newman & the Soup Nazi episode on Seinfield. Jam-ba-layaaaa!!

The only way to go through life is Fucked up

By God, it looks like spring outside! I'd spend an afternoon in that, I would!

The streets of Platteville are full of this sunshine and mild temperatures.(I lurnd to spell wunce a long time ago)~*There's no spell check on this blog

We used to have viscious games of four square when we were kids. Four Square was a psychological game. And was played mostly by the girls. It was our equivalent to Dodge Ball, I think. The boys had Dodge Ball to physically mess up a fellow classmate, the girls had Four Square to psychologically mess up a classmate. It was a mind-fuck on so many levels. Whether or not you got a square or had to wait- The snide looks gotten from the more 'popular' girls when a 'less popular' girl took a square. Whether or not you'd throw the game so the popular girls would like you better bcause you didn't kick their ass. then there was the obvious mind-fucks when you try to fake somebody out with when or to whom you would bounce the ball. Hopscotch you ask? Rabbit Liquor?(Bad joke)-- We had no hopscotch. We had Four Square & Double Dutch. But you had better odds even becoming part of a game of Four Square that being let in on Double Dutch. I never learned Double Dutch, so I never tried to get in on it. If a bout of plain jump rope broke out, I was there. Down in the meadow where the green grass grows/There sits Karen as pretty as a rose/Along came Jim and kissed her on the nose/how many kisses did she get? 1.... 2..... 3..... 4.... 5.... 6... 7... 8... 9.... 10.... 11.... 12.... 13... 14.... 15..... 16.... 17....

I need to scribe a valuable blog. I really do. I know. Since this is my blog, it automatically makes it an outstanding blog. Cause I'M writing it. Buwahahahaa!

Well, I hope N gets her grade. And a good one. That prof was being a jerk. We'll string him up, By God! Then She can say goodbye to this whole horrid business of college and grades.

So you've been diddled! It's happened to us all!
It's not that, Eddy. It's the horrible realization that I must have actually enjoyed playing ping pong.

YUM! Tastes like Chicken!

Bloody bastard athsmatic cab driver!!

Well, N's graduation party was wonderful. I had a great time. Her mom sent a bag full of chocolates home with me(She sent chocolates home with EVERYONE) I need to ask my brother for DVD burning software help so that N and I can burn copies of "The Office".

I got to see Milo last night.(Sunday Night) The poor guy sat there, looking up at me with such sad eyes. I rubbed his head and he got up on his hind legs to paw at my waist. I picked him up and he started purring immediately. It was when I picked him up that I realized just how much weight he'd lost since I last saw him. And either this made the lump between his shoulders seem bigger, or the lump has grown. Possibly both. I decided to sit down with him and he kept purring away. His eyes looked so sad. When he looked up at me, his eyes were dark(dialated) and droopy. He got to generating a lot of heat, so I checked his nose-- dry and warm. The pads of his feet were hot, and his ears were also quite warm. I wondered if people's asprin worked on kitty fevers. Mum suggested baby asprin. She brought over a bowl of fresh water. I had to hold it up for Milo because he was having a hard time bending forward for a drink. My poor old boy.

Nail polish mends runs in stockings, right? In which case, would you need to find a color nail polish that matches the hose? Such is my life.

If it's not broke, you ain't tryin' hard enough

Well, I got an invite to N's graduation party on Saturday. It'll be fun, I'm sure-- Can't wait!

The Great Garage Sale Gala is on Friday and Saturday. My mother gave me all sorts of ideas of what I could put in the garage sale. Like my CD's. She felt certain there were a number of CD's I had that I could stand to part with. I looked at my music and realized the ones I could stand to part probably wouldn't sell. (i.e.: Al Jolson-- Even if a person knew who Al Jolson was, would they shell out $5 for it? Selling it for peanuts just wouldn't seem worth it.) I'm relieved she didn't ask me to sell some of my books. Maybe I could find a couple... but for the most part, asking me to give up a book is like asking me to give up a kidney.

The weather suprised me today. Shaped up to be really nice. I see a possible bike ride in my future this evening.

SO! I have to make this shameless plug:
Anyone in the Platteville area who likes a fine deal stop by Friday and/or Saturday!! You might be suprised with what you find!

ANYway... I have to go RSVP N now.

Don't You Believe it!

Yes, the sun is peeking out from wherever it was hiding. Looks to be a promising day.

This week marks 3 months since my last cigarette. Yay me!!
There have been moments when I'd give my left tit for a cigarette, but then I've waited so long for my tits to 'blossom', I'd hate to lose one just for a cigarette. I consider myself fortunate, really. They say people typically put on weight when the quit smoking. I'm 3 months into this thing and I haven't gained anything, she said as she nibbled on her Easy Mac. Watch- Now that I've said it, my figure will go totally downhill.

Today it was brought to my attention that I scold myself too harshly when I screw something up. For Example: I spilled some water filling the resevoir on the coffee pot. I got so flustered and upset with myself, flittering and jumping around trying to get paper towels as fast as I could. Just totally upset with myself. Almost to the point of not being able to think straight It was pointed out to me that spilling water is no big deal. It happens. Nobody's perfect. It's weird in one sense, because I've never viewed myself as a perfectionist. Somehow perfectionist and procastinator don't seem to go together very well. It could have something to do with my penchant for worrying.

Where's Spring?

We're already into May and it's so chilly outside!! But flowers are blooming, the grass is green, and the sun has been known to shine from time to time. But spring really is dragging its feet. I wonder if this means it'll be a mild summer or we're going to plunge head-long into a hot summer, skipping those nice 60-70 degree days? Who can say....

It's never safe to assume, but it's working right now. I'm assuming that Jim and I are back together the way we were, and not 'weening' ourselves off each other. The way the last couple of evenings have been, if we are still 'weening' we're not doing a very good job. He hasn't said anything in the last week in regards to the weening.
N reminded me that it feels like nothing's changed between us because we've been together for so long(4 yrs next Monday) it's inevitably going to feel like nothing's changed. I told her though, that I'm noticing a pattern. Whenever Jim gets bummed and depressed he gets down on himself and tells me I deserve better and would be better off without him. And without a doubt, this recent bout with financial dire straights was awfully heavy/depressing. Now that I think about it... when he gets upset he pitches things. And I don't mean garbage. I mean momentos, pictures, CD's, tools, etc. Or go through his computer and delete all sorts of files, bookmarks, etc. ANYway.... We are both in much better spirits now.

And I'm getting used to being a woman. I'm wearing make-up more often, and putting more care into my wardrobe. I've also got my sights on culinary acheivements. I found a Chicken Thai Curry recipe I can't wait to try. As well as a Jambalaya recipe. And many others. I've discovered Cumin and I can't believe I've been living without it for this long.

I've got a generous stock-pile of York Peppermint patties... It's so sweet of Jim when he buys me a bag of mini patties or one of the giant patties. And not because he got me candy. But because he remembers how much I love them.

I think I'll just crawl into my jammies with a couple York patties and an International Coffee. Hmm yes. With Amaretto Creamer. Hmmm... sounds good.

Laters!

The Great Turkey Hunt

We also saw a rooster pheasant following after a hen pheasant that day. I learned to recognize the Cardinal's song and the Blue Jay's song. And I now know that scritchy jibber jabber I've heard so many times before is a gray squirrel. The smell of wild leeks drifted through the air. At first to me, it smelled like a pizza burger. Don't ask me why, but it was the first association my nose and brain made of the smell. then it became more of an onion-y smell.(Which is as it should be)
While no tom turkeys showed up and there was no quarry taken, it was still a good day. A very zen day, really. Sitting quietly in those woods. Taking in nature. Being apart from stress of the 'civilized' world.