"Perfection is a Skinned Knee"
I think it was back in October when I'd declared I would quit smoking. I've cheated on this resolve a number of times. Telling myself: "Well at least I've cut back." Which I have. A pack of cigarettes lasting an entire week. Until one night Jim saw the pack of cigarettes in my coat pocket. He didn't ride my ass about it, but he made a couple comments that made me feel reasonably guilty. In trying to keep things positive--And not wanting to do this out of guilt--I try to remember when I was 1yr + without a cigarette and how he would proudly tell his friends I've been smoke-free.
I don't understand why that's such a big deal to me-- That someone be proud of me.
And that when people talk about me and are given to describe me and my habits it be resonably admirable. I mean, it's common sense that a person wants others to speak well of them. But I worry about the type of compliments.
"Oatmeal above the eyebrows, that girl. But she's a good lay!" --I'd said this about myself the other night, suggesting this was what Jim thought of me. Naturally, he begged to differ. Since then, he's been telling me my redeeming qualities are my cooking and my writing. And I don't need a degree to be a good writer. My writing skills are born of instinct and self-education via reading other literature. There's a lot of truth to this, really. It's called 'Felt Sense'. I did a paper on it for Grammar in Context. It's how we know something but can't explain how we know it. Something that's inherent and you have a helluva time teaching it to someone else because you've never had to stop and take it apart. Because it worked.
What's fucked up about it for me, is that all the knowledge I find 2nd nature is shit that does me no good in the real world. I can read a book and paint you a picture. But that doesn't get my checkbook balanced or get the ducks herded back into the pen.
I'm a winner. Oh yes.
Maybe it's nicotine withdrawals. Jim noticed it yesterday,
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Is it me?"
"No! Not at all. Don't worry about it. It's nothing."
"I've known you for 6 years," (7, going on 8) "I know when something's bothering you."
I just haven't been feeling very intelligent lately. He's told me to stop this "I'm stupid" talk because it's simply not true. He's so kind.
I don't understand why that's such a big deal to me-- That someone be proud of me.
And that when people talk about me and are given to describe me and my habits it be resonably admirable. I mean, it's common sense that a person wants others to speak well of them. But I worry about the type of compliments.
"Oatmeal above the eyebrows, that girl. But she's a good lay!" --I'd said this about myself the other night, suggesting this was what Jim thought of me. Naturally, he begged to differ. Since then, he's been telling me my redeeming qualities are my cooking and my writing. And I don't need a degree to be a good writer. My writing skills are born of instinct and self-education via reading other literature. There's a lot of truth to this, really. It's called 'Felt Sense'. I did a paper on it for Grammar in Context. It's how we know something but can't explain how we know it. Something that's inherent and you have a helluva time teaching it to someone else because you've never had to stop and take it apart. Because it worked.
What's fucked up about it for me, is that all the knowledge I find 2nd nature is shit that does me no good in the real world. I can read a book and paint you a picture. But that doesn't get my checkbook balanced or get the ducks herded back into the pen.
I'm a winner. Oh yes.
Maybe it's nicotine withdrawals. Jim noticed it yesterday,
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Is it me?"
"No! Not at all. Don't worry about it. It's nothing."
"I've known you for 6 years," (7, going on 8) "I know when something's bothering you."
I just haven't been feeling very intelligent lately. He's told me to stop this "I'm stupid" talk because it's simply not true. He's so kind.
posted by Sonny Shine at 9:13 AM
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