I Deserve a Degree!!
Okay. I got an offer I couldn't refuse. My father has offered to help me pay for the credits on my internship so I can graduate. Yipee, right? To be honest, I was scared. That whole "Shit's coming to a close and what if I'm not up for the challenge" type fear.
I have a really strong fear of failure. Which I've never acknowledged before because I always assumed fear of failure was associated with anal retentive perfectionists. In my case, my procastination comes from one idea: If I don't try, I can't fail. HOWEVER, I'm learning the flip side of this cookie. If I don't try, I can't succeed, either.
My mother sent me a link to an available internship in custom publishing. I need to take it over to the English dept. to get it ok'd and what not. I was supposed to do this Friday. But I forgot. I had this idea that I didn't deserve a degree. That I'm not smart enough for a degree. And therefore shoved it to the back of my brain. Maybe I'd get to it later. And then forgot it altogether.
Jim couldn't believe I didn't go for it. He argued that I was smart and said: "You gotta have more faith in yourself, woman!" He said if I'd told him about it Friday morning, he would've put a size 9 1/2 boot in my ass and made sure I got over to the English dept.
It's just like the first time I had to go into 1st National to pay my rent. I wanted Jim to come in with me. He assured me I was a big girl and could handle it myself. And I did. And I was afraid to go to the new Student Center, scared that I'd get lost, and then when I finally went down there I did it. And I didn't get lost. This is the same thing. I'm scared I'll screw it up, fail, and therefore don't want to attempt it. When in fact, if I just grab the bull by the huevos and do it, I'll probably pull it off just fine. And then I'll have that god-forsaken degree. I put in 8 yrs on that thing. I guess I should be anxious to get it. It may well be one of the proudest days of my life when I pick up that thing. My brother & I will be the only college graduates in our family.
It can be done. I am smart enough. I just need to be the woman Jim says I am, take charge, and have the courage to see this thing through.
Yeah.
I have a really strong fear of failure. Which I've never acknowledged before because I always assumed fear of failure was associated with anal retentive perfectionists. In my case, my procastination comes from one idea: If I don't try, I can't fail. HOWEVER, I'm learning the flip side of this cookie. If I don't try, I can't succeed, either.
My mother sent me a link to an available internship in custom publishing. I need to take it over to the English dept. to get it ok'd and what not. I was supposed to do this Friday. But I forgot. I had this idea that I didn't deserve a degree. That I'm not smart enough for a degree. And therefore shoved it to the back of my brain. Maybe I'd get to it later. And then forgot it altogether.
Jim couldn't believe I didn't go for it. He argued that I was smart and said: "You gotta have more faith in yourself, woman!" He said if I'd told him about it Friday morning, he would've put a size 9 1/2 boot in my ass and made sure I got over to the English dept.
It's just like the first time I had to go into 1st National to pay my rent. I wanted Jim to come in with me. He assured me I was a big girl and could handle it myself. And I did. And I was afraid to go to the new Student Center, scared that I'd get lost, and then when I finally went down there I did it. And I didn't get lost. This is the same thing. I'm scared I'll screw it up, fail, and therefore don't want to attempt it. When in fact, if I just grab the bull by the huevos and do it, I'll probably pull it off just fine. And then I'll have that god-forsaken degree. I put in 8 yrs on that thing. I guess I should be anxious to get it. It may well be one of the proudest days of my life when I pick up that thing. My brother & I will be the only college graduates in our family.
It can be done. I am smart enough. I just need to be the woman Jim says I am, take charge, and have the courage to see this thing through.
Yeah.
posted by Sonny Shine at 4:38 PM
1 Comments:
Karen, you ARE the woman Jim says you are! Congratulations and good for you! That's what I'm talking about...good for you.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And also centipedes that are in my kitchen drain. But nothing else.
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